Mel P went on to become leader of the Tory Party. Mel A lives across several dimensions at once and has, delightfully, the legs of a huge spider. Mels A to Z (excluding B & C) would occasionally hop, slither and gambol out from the backstage area of Spice Girls concerts before being cattle-prodded back to their quarters by terrified road crew. Nonetheless Splodge’s japes have triggered many a wacky adventure for The Spice Girls and we love it, no matter what it is or how toxic its gases are to the human respiratory system.īefore hitting paydirt with Mels B & C, the ex-Soviet scientists working on the Mel Project produced an alphabet's worth of Mels that mocked God's laws and craved oblivion. It certainly has no soul and it’s unclear why it came to our realm. Your favourite Spice Girl is Splodge.Ī sentient, shape-shifting jelly with a heart of gold and a mischievous streak. She is certainly not your favourite Spice Girl. Only you could see her and she still haunts your dreams and consumes your soul. She had scribbles for eyes and stood at the edge of the stage being see-through in a flowing white robe, pointing her long finger at you and screaming the exact date and time of your death. The second of the Spice Mels and not actually as scary as Mel from Mel-and-Sue or Mel Gibson. Worse still, Victoria has chosen not to return for the Spice Girls reunion, staying instead within the boundaries of the hellish life she has created for herself with Beckham and their damned, doomed offspring. Ugh, even contemplating his misshapen mug from afar makes me nauseous. ![]() Instead she had to make do with marriage to that hideous, grotesque freak, David Beckham. However, if she had spent less time yammering on about redistribution of wealth and the condition of the working man and more time on her actual dance moves and singing, she might have achieved more in life. Posh Spice brought a bit of class consciousness to the band. The best Spice Girl, for the reason given in the last paragraph, but also because she could do somersaults and was forced to wear a bad tracksuit and a terrible ponytail to make her more relatable to people with terrible clothes (see byline picture). Personally I feel that this speaks to a striking lack of commitment on the part of Emma Bunton, and she instantly became my least favourite Spice Girl. Instead, Baby Spice wafted around as an infantilised adult in pigtails. I’m pretty excited about it, to be honest with you.īaby Spice did not go "full baby" by wearing a bonnet, insisting on being pushed around in a pram and saying "goo goo, ga ga" instead of human words. Now, four of the five of them are back to tour their blighted nation, before, as is inevitable, the Tories ban music. Like King Arthur and the Milibands, The Spice Girls eventually retreated to slumber beneath Stonehenge to be called when their country needed them. "THERE'S NO MATHEMATICAL DETAIL IN THIS SONG.") Their songs included Viva Forever, a triumphal rumination on infinity, and 2 Become 1, a song which endorsed safe sex but also, unfortunately, unsafe maths. Like the Smurfs, the Spice Girls had a naming formula that added a unique personal characteristic to a generic group identity (Grouchy, Brainy, Ginger, Posh, Papa) and they could also combine together to become more than the sum of their parts, like the robot Voltron, the EU or fourth-wave feminism. I'm basing some of this information on the film Spiceworld) and they had a striking message about self-confidence and life-spicening. They had famously struck out on their own, rejecting the nefarious intentions of their managers James Bond (Roger Moore) and Withnail from Withnail and I (Richard E Grant. ![]() Francis Fukuyama was in the charts, meaningless third way politics was on the rise and, blind to their own historical atrocities, Brits were sticking Union Jacks on everything, dismantling the welfare state and preparing the ground for a populist descent into anarchy (looks at watch) around about now. The Spice Girls were/are a group of bolshie young popstresses who advocated ecologically friendly "girl power", acclaimed friendship as a model for government and demonstrated their distinct personalities in diverse and colourful costumes. Now, four of the five of them are back to tour their blighted nation, before, as is inevitable, the Tories ban musicīut young people know nothing. ![]() Young people say things like, “The Spice Girls, weren’t they responsible for building a trade route to the Far East?” or “The Spice Girls, weren’t they the Sex Pistols’ wives?” or “Spice Girls? Why does nobody talk about Spice MEN? #diversity #notallspicemen”.
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